I don't feel eighty. In fact, I don't feel anything til noon. Then it's time for my nap.

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

You don't see me at Vegas or at the races throwing my money around. I've got a government to support.

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreational. If you work it, it's golf.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

I am such a ham.

If they liked you, they didn't applaud--they just let you live.

If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heartburn?

You know you’re getting older when the candles cost more than the cake.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees. The liar--I went steady with a woodpecker until I was twenty-one.

I do benefits for all religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I'm half British, half American. My passport has an eagle with a tea bag in its beak.

Take nine strokes off your score. Skip the last hole

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

I really love the stage... Why, if I had to work for nothing I'd quit tomorrow.

I would have won the Academy Award if not for one thing... my pictures.

Television... that's where movies go when they die.

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a makeup man with a spray gun.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.